Monday, June 9, 2025

Black ice

Im sick
Really sick
Ice that doesnt melt in the sun
Eyes that cannot see
A body that has no truth
Or love
Fake
Im black
Rotting like a dead apple
Even my choices are scary
I can see the evidence

——
Who can i talk to?
No one in this world
With all these people and yet im so lonely
So far
So sad
So bad
So mad
So cannot be her friend my own 
Always angry at me and im always angry at her
Love depleted
95 euros worth of nothing
So quick to act
Filling in the spaces i cant
Im …
I
Have no one who likes me
Escp god
He really wouldnt like me

Tuesday, May 6, 2025

Sometimes

Sometimes im this
Sometimes im that
Sometimes im broken
Sometimes i shake
Myself lonely for bait

Sometimes i wonder
Sometimes i dont
Sometimes i imagine the
Scenes of my thoughts
Flying over and under out of my heart and into my mind
Sometimes i wish i was inside them theyre good for the ride

Sometimes i weep
Sometimes i hurt
Them all
Sometimes im not magical 
Or spiritual
Just physically wrong
Sometimes im alone
Ineverything
Soemtimes itsmy fault
Always 

I cant smell your kindness

She spoke
She isright im a messed up float
Of asinking human being
Unhealthy
Self sabotage queen
And going around in circles master
Unable to communicate my disasters
Here i am letting my angry face win
And the dissipate from my disease

I cant smell your kindness so use this to mask your odour
Of terrible mothership and owndership
Cant control yourself so control others
Fear it
You are a terrible person 
Know it
Your sins are unacceptable

Believe it your smell is disgusting
Own up to it
You are shadows worth of nothing 

Friday, April 11, 2025

Faith/Eman

ايمان الحلوة المستحيلة 
حاسة بزنوب حاسة بمسؤولية 
دايراك تكوني الاحسن 
قبل ما اوريك
دايراك تكوني الاسعد
قبل ما اديك 
انا الام 
انا الصعب
انا الخير انا الغلط 
مشاعر افكار ،ايام وليالي 
محتاجة اكتب  كل افكاري
وين انتي
تعالي
لي 
ما عملتي
منافسة 
صعبة 
من كل النواحي
انا الام انا بحاول انا ببهت 
انا بكورك
كل الحاجات ما ممكن في ايد واحد
بس انا كدة ماسكة الاشياء كلها التلفون للابد 
اخر رسالة ؟ 
اخر شحنة
يا ما نصحتي 
يا ما قلتي وانتي صغيرة 
بس انا العويرة 
بقولو قلقة 
بقولو بقاطع
من ما انتي 
هي مقاطع 
انا بحاول
انا الام 
ايمان الحلوة 
انا السم 
انا الام 
انا الالم 
انا اخاف من الزمن 
انا الام انا حزينة حاسة ببعادك 
وانتي صغيرة 
صغيرة و كبيرة 
مكابسة 
محاولة 
ناجحة 
بس اكثر انا فاشلة
لمن الناس اقولو 
بالطريقة المؤلمة
امل شوفي اولادك ….
وانا اسمع واحاكي
ليكي يا الغالي
ولكن ها النتيجة 
تعبانة و حزينة 
متلخبطة 
وانتي انانية و لا انا؟
تعبت 
رجلي
ايدي
افكارك 
وحدتي
علي طريق الوحدة حكون 
فين اخطائك  
كل يوم حامر بهم
يا ربي 
حكون لوحدي 
حتا انت قارهني
يا ربي
لوحدي لوحدي
اذا بنتي خلتني
فالروح و الافكار 
هل ما كان عندي خيار؟ 
تعبانة 
خائفة 
وحيدة 
حزينة 
لا استطيع المنافسة لا اريد ايمع صوتي
مقرف
لا استطيع احب شيء
فلا شيء يحبني
انا حزينة  
يا ايمان 
انا سندك
انا الام
انا الام 

Friday, January 31, 2025

Lonely person

Sitting with her phone 
Strong inside but all on her own
Laptops mobiles games and apps
I have to sit woth silence on my lap 
No space for tearsbut they are hot and wavy 
People sit next to me i must show nothing crazy

But im lonely scared anxious tired hoping losing trying winning failing all those ways

My prayer mat sits folded it lays
I worry on phonecalls complaints ams what he thinks 
Although ig should be the opposite and yet i aink 
With cinemas in my head and all the things i dread

He doesnt want to talk to me
Why could that be
I miss being…. Someone im not
I hate being … ready for a clot
I love being… in my own dreams 
Forever like this it would seem

Those bmws 
Those holidays 
Those children that love me
Those nice curves
Those super smart hands
Those wise words
 

Tuesday, January 14, 2025

Just be gentle

A 6 year old say to me in A hard place
I feel isolated small misjudged trying useless
Or Is it correct
Am i lacking troubling wrong 
When am i right and when am i wrong 
I refused a place 
Maybe too early maybe too late
Maybe a big mistake
Maybe i don’t know maybe i do
Just wait 
And it will come true
What 
I must beat this feeling of worry 
This feeling of loss 
Nothing can stop me from 

Dancing 
Turning on ny lava lanp
Watching avacado
Stop hurting my nails
Trying 

Wednesday, December 18, 2024

I wonder

What an ousted preseident does the next day
Sleep in? 
Play tennis ? 
Or cry? 

I wonder what she meant when she said its a little bit out of our normal routine visiting mum in the nursery home but its ok. Did she mean it is what it is or its annoying ? Is there no fear that will be us one day
All that shouting, wailing. Trying

I wonder what he thinks of my thoughts
Reasonable, annoying, dramatic? 
I wonder what i think of his
Needs me for everything ( well thats wrong for sure) 

Iwonder why he did what he did 
Buying here not there, buying this not that buying for so and so and not that. 

I wonder how smart i am  how kind i am, how good i am  how honest i am. I wonder how healthy i am
I wonder where things are and where things will go
I wonder where things need to be and how calm can i be

I wonder how hard will it be to really relax and find calm and peace these next two weeks
And how calm i canbe no matter what 

I wonder what i know and what i dont. What i have promised for real and what i have promised in treason
I wonder whyi careabout the news
The world news the bad news the news that wastes time and weakenshearts
The news that wastes time

What it is...

I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.

My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-

My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.

But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.

Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...

Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -

It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -