Black ice

Im sick

Really sick

Ice that doesnt melt in the sun

Eyes that cannot see

A body that has no truth

Or love

Fake

Im black

Rotting like a dead apple

Even my choices are scary

I can see the evidence

——

Who can i talk to?

No one in this world

With all these people and yet im so lonely

So far

So sad

So bad

So mad

So cannot be her friend my own 

Always angry at me and im always angry at her

Love depleted

95 euros worth of nothing

So quick to act

Filling in the spaces i cant

Im …

I

…

Have no one who likes me

Escp god

He really wouldnt like me

Sometimes

Sometimes im this

Sometimes im that

Sometimes im broken

Sometimes i shake

Myself lonely for bait

Sometimes i wonder

Sometimes i dont

Sometimes i imagine the

Scenes of my thoughts

Flying over and under out of my heart and into my mind

Sometimes i wish i was inside them theyre good for the ride

Sometimes i weep

Sometimes i hurt

Them all

Sometimes im not magical 

Or spiritual

Just physically wrong

Sometimes im alone

Ineverything

Soemtimes itsmy fault

Always 

I cant smell your kindness

She spoke

She isright im a messed up float

Of asinking human being

Unhealthy

Self sabotage queen

And going around in circles master

Unable to communicate my disasters

Here i am letting my angry face win

And the dissipate from my disease

I cant smell your kindness so use this to mask your odour

Of terrible mothership and owndership

Cant control yourself so control others

Fear it

You are a terrible person 

Know it

Your sins are unacceptable

Believe it your smell is disgusting

Own up to it

You are shadows worth of nothing 

Faith/Eman

ايمان الحلوة المستحيلة 

حاسة بزنوب حاسة بمسؤولية 

دايراك تكوني الاحسن 

قبل ما اوريك

دايراك تكوني الاسعد

قبل ما اديك 

انا الام 

انا الصعب

انا الخير انا الغلط 

مشاعر افكار ،ايام وليالي 

محتاجة اكتب  كل افكاري

وين انتي

تعالي

لي 

ما عملتي

منافسة 

صعبة 

من كل النواحي

انا الام انا بحاول انا ببهت 

انا بكورك

كل الحاجات ما ممكن في ايد واحد

بس انا كدة ماسكة الاشياء كلها التلفون للابد 

اخر رسالة ؟ 

اخر شحنة

يا ما نصحتي 

يا ما قلتي وانتي صغيرة 

بس انا العويرة 

بقولو قلقة 

بقولو بقاطع

من ما انتي 

هي مقاطع 

انا بحاول

انا الام 

ايمان الحلوة 

انا السم 

انا الام 

انا الالم 

انا اخاف من الزمن 

انا الام انا حزينة حاسة ببعادك 

وانتي صغيرة 

صغيرة و كبيرة 

مكابسة 

محاولة 

ناجحة 

بس اكثر انا فاشلة

لمن الناس اقولو 

بالطريقة المؤلمة

امل شوفي اولادك ….

وانا اسمع واحاكي

ليكي يا الغالي

ولكن ها النتيجة 

تعبانة و حزينة 

متلخبطة 

وانتي انانية و لا انا؟

تعبت 

رجلي

ايدي

افكارك 

وحدتي

علي طريق الوحدة حكون 

فين اخطائك  

كل يوم حامر بهم

يا ربي 

حكون لوحدي 

حتا انت قارهني

يا ربي

لوحدي لوحدي

اذا بنتي خلتني

فالروح و الافكار 

هل ما كان عندي خيار؟ 

تعبانة 

خائفة 

وحيدة 

حزينة 

لا استطيع المنافسة لا اريد ايمع صوتي

مقرف

لا استطيع احب شيء

فلا شيء يحبني

انا حزينة  

يا ايمان 

انا سندك

انا الام

انا الام 

Lonely person

Sitting with her phone 

Strong inside but all on her own

Laptops mobiles games and apps

I have to sit woth silence on my lap 

No space for tearsbut they are hot and wavy 

People sit next to me i must show nothing crazy

But im lonely scared anxious tired hoping losing trying winning failing all those ways

My prayer mat sits folded it lays

I worry on phonecalls complaints ams what he thinks 

Although ig should be the opposite and yet i aink 

With cinemas in my head and all the things i dread

He doesnt want to talk to me

Why could that be

I miss being…. Someone im not

I hate being … ready for a clot

I love being… in my own dreams 

Forever like this it would seem

Those bmws 

Those holidays 

Those children that love me

Those nice curves

Those super smart hands

Those wise words

 

Just be gentle

A 6 year old say to me in A hard place

I feel isolated small misjudged trying useless

Or Is it correct

Am i lacking troubling wrong 

When am i right and when am i wrong 

I refused a place 

Maybe too early maybe too late

Maybe a big mistake

Maybe i don’t know maybe i do

Just wait 

And it will come true

What 

I must beat this feeling of worry 

This feeling of loss 

Nothing can stop me from 

Dancing 

Turning on ny lava lanp

Watching avacado

Stop hurting my nails

Trying 

I wonder

What an ousted preseident does the next day

Sleep in? 

Play tennis ? 

Or cry? 

I wonder what she meant when she said its a little bit out of our normal routine visiting mum in the nursery home but its ok. Did she mean it is what it is or its annoying ? Is there no fear that will be us one day

All that shouting, wailing. Trying

I wonder what he thinks of my thoughts

Reasonable, annoying, dramatic? 

I wonder what i think of his

Needs me for everything ( well thats wrong for sure) 

Iwonder why he did what he did 

Buying here not there, buying this not that buying for so and so and not that. 

I wonder how smart i am  how kind i am, how good i am  how honest i am. I wonder how healthy i am

I wonder where things are and where things will go

I wonder where things need to be and how calm can i be

I wonder how hard will it be to really relax and find calm and peace these next two weeks

And how calm i canbe no matter what 

I wonder what i know and what i dont. What i have promised for real and what i have promised in treason

I wonder whyi careabout the news

The world news the bad news the news that wastes time and weakenshearts

The news that wastes time