Sudan...Desire Me

I never usually 21

I've wasted 3

I've wasted 3

and it feels like 300

tonnes on my heart

breaking into pieces because im not yet strong enough to hold on without a receipt

and it should be too

for going back is not an option now

i must focus

i must consider

that i am alone in this

I am very along in this

no texts, no phones, no smiles, no fakeness, no hidden attributes of a stolen moment in time

a stolen golden of rhyme

no one else

just I

I wanted...

I wanted so many things

cluttered in my mind

I couldnt choose from any of them

but now all i want is

to change

and i never usually change

so i must change

I

am

not wasting more

ever

for people judge you

and use you

and forget you

for people laugh at you

and put their concepts in your page

write on you

scribble their attitude

highlight your pain

for people take you..for granted

before they even know your feelings

who you are?

No.

I understand now

I understand that I must fend for this

and die for this

this is my own drama

this is my own series

this is my own love and heartbreak

I must be proud

what do I want to get even?

what do I want to suppress my anger?

It is not drowning into waters of my dreams

It is not getting saved by them either

It's ....

entering into an african sunset

coming through doors wooden with the ancient memories of my grandmothers approval

its wearing black and blue , bruised but cruised with industrial destiny

its thinking of God as your friend, as your only true love

you are doing this for heaven

for paradise

its breaking peoples voices by your silence

its believing in what you want

praying for it like you know

like you know

its a part of you

no matter what happens

always by your side

its waking up in the morning

and washing your face with african sunrise

for its the only remedy

_______________

When you touch a girl, you touch her soul

I never usually 20

Ive missed 8

Ive missed my life passing by

Ive missed myself

I ran myself flat tired, gasping for breath

gasping for me and my dreams

Ive missed my love, my eyes,

Ive missed taking care of my dreams

for my dreams

I lost and gave them to this drama

and thats not what i intended

I intended to make my own love

my own fights and smiles

my own ... happinness

I intented to ask for this

to pray for this

to beg for this

and to use them as a brick

but not as my house

no I wnat my own house

my own rain

my own temper

my own anger

my own heart love

my own dreams coming true

yes, I need their help

but now they are not helping me

they are changing me

you see, I never usually change

and now I it is time to stop changing

I mean change is adangerous thing

you can change for the better

but u can also become something you cannot understand anymore

someone tired and sick

someone ...afraid

and hiding from themselves and their image

someone hiding from the world

escaping into this and that scene

I will not give up

I just need to find myself

find myself i must do

I never usually 19

I'm sick

I'm tired

I'm lonely

I'm scared

I'm imprisoned in these ideas and dreams

closed within this drama

so many feelings

so many wishes and hopes

I'm afraid

I'm angry

I'm trying to understand myself

to be someone beautiful

I'm strange

Ive never been like this

so ...wicked

Ive never been like this

so adamant about wrong

making it seem right

I dont know

Ive never even written on this place like this

usually its never about me

i mean, i never write about me so ..clearly

its always hidden behind metaphors and words and things

but not like this

just plain sentences so clear

I want to find love and to have it find me so that together

the earth trembles with a romance so deep so quick so long so strong so raw so fresh so real so crystal with expensive days shaking the times love even existed

i dont know

i guess

ive never been loved

and it hurts

i guess...#seeing all my cousins and friends find what i look for ..

well no i cant see what i look for

but i am jealous

of them

of anything small they do

and say

i get jealous

and i think to myself

thats ridiculous!

theyre all thinking theyre in love and thats not love thats... boring

you know you dont want anything like that

!

you want

the earth trembling type

but im still jealous

im still angry

with myself

with everything

i forget to ask god

i forget to love

the only thing that can give me my dreams

i dont know

i feel silly

i am writing very raw and square

not smooth sentiments of thought of truth

something that you can read and say, hey i get that

i dont even get it

what do i want?

when will i control myself?

when will i be happy

with who i am

with what i got

with what god gave me

and saved me, with

when will i be fulfilled

when will i be... recovered

from a youthful predisposition

to a pure woman

an independant woman

from all the pain

all the fury

all the anger

of something so small

consuming her , consuming me

I never usually 18

I could watch this forever

I could , I could, I could

everytime i notice something

i feel something

different

I get stronger

its not affecting me in any other way

its not just entertainment

its not just a show

i can't let go

of the dream if purs in me

like my world wants something from them

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I perspire to work effortlessly at this

I ,

admire my strength so far

I do

but I do not admire my impatience

or my lack of gratitude

for all of this

has changed me

and i never usually change

and change even though might be good

can also be

...destructive

to be continued

..........>>>>

I never usually forget the most important thing in my life

I never usually become enstranged from my closest love

I never usually never wake up

but this time

I am very sleepy , very sleepy in this dream

I never usually 17

With the flowers on my new tea cups - I breathe the mint of fury onto my tongue, escaping the morning of broken lullabies and tormented mind -

let me burn with acetic acid and shattered satellite signals

I watch the love of my dreams

and pray for a stronger dream

grapefruit twists of love, and music to my ears

walk and talk

i pray he is not mad

i pray he gives me all i desire

like when lovers give each other everything

over fields of interlaced happiness

and when the end comes, before the start

and when the start comes before you ask

i know i ask a lot

i know i dont do a lot

it is all imabalanced

but my god, i pray you help me

please help me

for you are the only thing in my life

that could offer me this

i know i'm not a business woman

neither is this a good business offer

but i offer my begging desires that you help me

please god help me

I never usually 16

Maybe I should explain...

you see it was raining outside and the pearls of water fell on my window

trying to tell me a story

i was lost and unfound

and i listened to the words in the rain

angels in the sky, they take your prayers

and can give it a try

why else do you think the earth gets wet with all these dreams

of peoples imaginations , coming true

coming near you, are the wavers of a question

ask and you will get

ask and you can bet

you cant get more romantic than that

more simple than that

more heavenly than that

more true than that

be patient

be kind

be you

but when i looked at myself i couldnt find me

i only found parts of me that i could not understand

and so i began to find a way

which way?

and the more i looked, the more deeper i had to search for that woman inside me

she was so lost, so tired

so weak , non defensive,

so far down in a big black hole

crying, crying, eyes so small

those eyes i lost to prisons voloptous statements of impurity

those ears i lost

to making people angry

those times i lost

eating

at my heart

at my mind

i considered the opposing fantasies

guess im just not an interesting person

guess ill just never find a love so interesting

guess i dont deserve to find that pearl of water to collect my wishes

clean my dirty dishes of ...exaggurated heartbeats and adrenaline