
Memoirs of a Sudanese Breath
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Saturday, November 7, 2009
I never usually 21

I've wasted 3
I've wasted 3
and it feels like 300
tonnes on my heart
breaking into pieces because im not yet strong enough to hold on without a receipt
and it should be too
for going back is not an option now
i must focus
i must consider
that i am alone in this
I am very along in this
no texts, no phones, no smiles, no fakeness, no hidden attributes of a stolen moment in time
a stolen golden of rhyme
no one else
just I
I wanted...
I wanted so many things
cluttered in my mind
I couldnt choose from any of them
but now all i want is
to change
and i never usually change
so i must change
I
am
not wasting more
ever
for people judge you
and use you
and forget you
for people laugh at you
and put their concepts in your page
write on you
scribble their attitude
highlight your pain
for people take you..for granted
before they even know your feelings
who you are?
No.
I understand now
I understand that I must fend for this
and die for this
this is my own drama
this is my own series
this is my own love and heartbreak
I must be proud
what do I want to get even?
what do I want to suppress my anger?
It is not drowning into waters of my dreams
It is not getting saved by them either
It's ....
entering into an african sunset
coming through doors wooden with the ancient memories of my grandmothers approval
its wearing black and blue , bruised but cruised with industrial destiny
its thinking of God as your friend, as your only true love
you are doing this for heaven
for paradise
its breaking peoples voices by your silence
its believing in what you want
praying for it like you know
like you know
its a part of you
no matter what happens
always by your side
its waking up in the morning
and washing your face with african sunrise
for its the only remedy
_______________
When you touch a girl, you touch her soul
Friday, November 6, 2009
I never usually 20

Ive missed 8
Ive missed my life passing by
Ive missed myself
I ran myself flat tired, gasping for breath
gasping for me and my dreams
Ive missed my love, my eyes,
Ive missed taking care of my dreams
for my dreams
I lost and gave them to this drama
and thats not what i intended
I intended to make my own love
my own fights and smiles
my own ... happinness
I intented to ask for this
to pray for this
to beg for this
and to use them as a brick
but not as my house
no I wnat my own house
my own rain
my own temper
my own anger
my own heart love
my own dreams coming true
yes, I need their help
but now they are not helping me
they are changing me
you see, I never usually change
and now I it is time to stop changing
I mean change is adangerous thing
you can change for the better
but u can also become something you cannot understand anymore
someone tired and sick
someone ...afraid
and hiding from themselves and their image
someone hiding from the world
escaping into this and that scene
I will not give up
I just need to find myself
find myself i must do
Monday, November 2, 2009
I never usually 19

I'm sick
I'm tired
I'm lonely
I'm scared
I'm imprisoned in these ideas and dreams
closed within this drama
so many feelings
so many wishes and hopes
I'm afraid
I'm angry
I'm trying to understand myself
to be someone beautiful
I'm strange
Ive never been like this
so ...wicked
Ive never been like this
so adamant about wrong
making it seem right
I dont know
Ive never even written on this place like this
usually its never about me
i mean, i never write about me so ..clearly
its always hidden behind metaphors and words and things
but not like this
just plain sentences so clear
I want to find love and to have it find me so that together
the earth trembles with a romance so deep so quick so long so strong so raw so fresh so real so crystal with expensive days shaking the times love even existed
i dont know
i guess
ive never been loved
and it hurts
i guess...#seeing all my cousins and friends find what i look for ..
well no i cant see what i look for
but i am jealous
of them
of anything small they do
and say
i get jealous
and i think to myself
thats ridiculous!
theyre all thinking theyre in love and thats not love thats... boring
you know you dont want anything like that
!
you want
the earth trembling type
but im still jealous
im still angry
with myself
with everything
i forget to ask god
i forget to love
the only thing that can give me my dreams
i dont know
i feel silly
i am writing very raw and square
not smooth sentiments of thought of truth
something that you can read and say, hey i get that
i dont even get it
what do i want?
when will i control myself?
when will i be happy
with who i am
with what i got
with what god gave me
and saved me, with
when will i be fulfilled
when will i be... recovered
from a youthful predisposition
to a pure woman
an independant woman
from all the pain
all the fury
all the anger
of something so small
consuming her , consuming me
I never usually 18

I could watch this forever
I could , I could, I could
everytime i notice something
i feel something
different
I get stronger
its not affecting me in any other way
its not just entertainment
its not just a show
i can't let go
of the dream if purs in me
like my world wants something from them
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I perspire to work effortlessly at this
I ,
admire my strength so far
I do
but I do not admire my impatience
or my lack of gratitude
for all of this
has changed me
and i never usually change
and change even though might be good
can also be
...destructive
to be continued
..........>>>>
I never usually forget the most important thing in my life
I never usually become enstranged from my closest love
I never usually never wake up
but this time
I am very sleepy , very sleepy in this dream
Sunday, November 1, 2009
I never usually 17

With the flowers on my new tea cups - I breathe the mint of fury onto my tongue, escaping the morning of broken lullabies and tormented mind -
let me burn with acetic acid and shattered satellite signals
I watch the love of my dreams
and pray for a stronger dream
grapefruit twists of love, and music to my ears
walk and talk
i pray he is not mad
i pray he gives me all i desire
like when lovers give each other everything
over fields of interlaced happiness
and when the end comes, before the start
and when the start comes before you ask
i know i ask a lot
i know i dont do a lot
it is all imabalanced
but my god, i pray you help me
please help me
for you are the only thing in my life
that could offer me this
i know i'm not a business woman
neither is this a good business offer
but i offer my begging desires that you help me
please god help me
I never usually 16

Maybe I should explain...
you see it was raining outside and the pearls of water fell on my window
trying to tell me a story
i was lost and unfound
and i listened to the words in the rain
angels in the sky, they take your prayers
and can give it a try
why else do you think the earth gets wet with all these dreams
of peoples imaginations , coming true
coming near you, are the wavers of a question
ask and you will get
ask and you can bet
you cant get more romantic than that
more simple than that
more heavenly than that
more true than that
be patient
be kind
be you
but when i looked at myself i couldnt find me
i only found parts of me that i could not understand
and so i began to find a way
which way?
and the more i looked, the more deeper i had to search for that woman inside me
she was so lost, so tired
so weak , non defensive,
so far down in a big black hole
crying, crying, eyes so small
those eyes i lost to prisons voloptous statements of impurity
those ears i lost
to making people angry
those times i lost
eating
at my heart
at my mind
i considered the opposing fantasies
guess im just not an interesting person
guess ill just never find a love so interesting
guess i dont deserve to find that pearl of water to collect my wishes
clean my dirty dishes of ...exaggurated heartbeats and adrenaline
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October
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What it is...
I see Life like a rose in the ice... beautiful but with cold settings - There are so many incredible things out there - but we always need to fight and perservere against the hardships too... otherwise the cold will win ... and we will wither away.
My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-
My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.
But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.
Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...
Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -
It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -
My imagination has led me to believe in something called 'Sudan Fairytale' -
The fantasy that My country will one day be independant and proud, never selfsish to provide its people with its needs, give freedom and success to all, be forever committed to achieve a prosperous inhabitance to every Sudanese in their own country-
My eyes fail me and I see the truth which I call - 'Khartoum Heartbreak' - This is a theme running through the blog under the 'Khartoum Heartbreak' Poems and whatever else about Sudan conveying broken down love, poor streets and cut off electricity along with a lot of other decays and problems in Khartoum city Life.
But I love my country and so I have no choice but to merge the Pain and the Love as one.
Faith is my heart and I could never do without it hoping in my prayers that I can be someone better always and that God forgives me as I fall in Mistakes through that frozen path of Life...
Sometimes I feel under control with all the too many emotions that run to colour my days and nights - Books, movies, music, dreams, friends, family, strangers, travel, - reality - the 10 O' Clock news -Most of the time I'm very Lost in trying to understand - whatever happens becomes tangled into writing this confusing memoir -
It's a really odd combination of air - not sure whether it is refreshing or suffocating - stabilising or maddening - But I breathe and
so it is
'Memoirs of a Sudanese breath' as I am 'Lost but under control' -
And... ACTION... Sudan...
- Aperadosoni
- Daana Lost in translation
- High Definition
- Hipster
- Infinity Rose
- Mango 96 radio
- Meskel Square
- Nomadic Thoughts
- Other Sudanese Radios
- Precious Words
- Sawa Radio, Khartoum 97.5fm
- Shamarat
- Sudan Heart
- Sudan Inside
- Sudan Watch
- Sudan Water Grant For Incapacitated Areas
- Sudanease
- Sudanese Band
- Sudanese Thinker
- Zulfo
Religious identity with creativity
- Amr Khalid
- Aqim SALATAK - (PRAY)
- Beautiful Islam
- Diary of a mad muslim woman
- Hijab Style
- Islamic Fashion illustration
- Islamic Point
- Maniac Muslim
- Muslim Youth
- MUXLIM
- Native Deen
- Outlandish
- Quran Flash: The Holy Quran
- Sami Yusuf
- Thakafa - Intellect
- The right way - Al Tareeq Al saah - By Moez Masoud
- TV Quran: Hearing Beautfiul Quran





